2009

2009, you have been quite a year.

I finally graduated - 15 years of formal education;

My buddy proposed to his girl;

I travelled a bit, experienced many beautiful things;

Worked officially and made new friends;

Cut my hair really short;

Attended another buddy's wedding;

Witnessed the same buddy on his way to being a daddy;

Fell in and out of love,

- let's leave the comma there,

because our life doesn't stop when the number moves on to a 10,

it doesn't erase the past,

we just progress,

move on with life,

on to working harder

and becoming

- the best we can ever be.

One day I'll be happy again.

I must.

Happy

Someone once told me
That you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free

I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about other pain in front of me
Cause I’m just tryna be happy, yeah

Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let it go
Just tryna play my role
Slowly disappear, oooh

Well all these tears
They feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here

Well I can stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about other pain in front of me
Cause I’m just tryna be happy

Just wanna be happy
Oooh…
So any turns that i cant see
I'll count a stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just try to be happy

Just wanna be happy

想回到过去

失去平衡慢慢下沉
黑暗已在空中盘旋
该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端

Love the one you're with

I think our breakup was about timing more than anything else. We were too young.

We weren't that young.

Young enough. I wasn't ready for...this, he says, motioning in the space between us, finally admitting the obvious-that it was him, not me. He broke up with me.

I nod, as if I understand his assessment, even though I really don't. Yes, we were young, but in some ways, young love seems the most robust and idealistic, untarnished by everyday hardships. Leo threw inthe towel before we were ever really tested. Maybe because he didn't want to be tested. Maybe because he assumed we would fail. Maybe because, at the time, he just didn't love me enough.

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It's not about what might have been. And it's not about whether I have genuine feelings for Leo now, underneath the layers of nostalgia, lust, unrequited love. It's really not about Leo at all.

It's about Andy, plainly, simply.

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Sometimes there are no happy endings. No matter what, I'll be losing something, someone. But maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

Sometimes love just ain't enough

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

-

We are wretched people

broken inside

and

instead of waiting to mend

to heal

to be whole

we continue

spreading this insidious disease

we continue

breaking other people.

Hai...